The terror level was raised to beige today after MI5 said that they certainly had vague yet specific intelligence about a probable certain threat that might or might not occur or not occur under certain circumstances on British soil or abroad perhaps unless another thing that might be a threat if it were to happen which it might or might not but it definitely might.

The terror plot probably involved Jeremy Corbyn-admiring lefty scum who rumours have emerged have been involved in hacking the Gibson since 1978.

Jim Davidson speaking from a hotel in Barbados said, "was it for this politically correct insanity that I fought and died in eight world wars? I think not!".